Crimes against humanity

Although I have my flaws, I’m a pretty good guy at heart. Perhaps you’re skeptical, but remember this – I constantly try to make the world a better place. I’m not going to go “green” or start working at a soup kitchen any time soon, but I am prepared to launch a campaign against various crimes against humanity.

Here are few dubious entries from my comprehensive list:

Trash bags without drawstrings

Why do stores still carry these? It sucks so much to accidentally pick up drawstring-less bags. Even though they’re impossible to tie up, you’re stuck with them for about a month because you bought 20 bags and have too much pride to pitch them (and are frightened by the irony).

Stores could sell drawstring trash bags for $20 a box, and I’d still buy them instead of their inferior predecessors.

Carlos Mencia

Here’s an analogy for you that won’t be on the SATs: Creed is to Pearl Jam as Carlos Mencia is to Dave Chappelle. Without Chappelle’s Show there wouldn’t be Mind of Mencia. As much as I love great New York bewbs, sometimes I wonder if that alternative would be a better reality.

Mencia is a fucking joke of a comic. He steals routines from good comedians and stays edgy by making fun of retarded people. Yet tons of people love his act and his show. If I was a philosopher, I would utilize this in an argument to disprove the existence of God.

The soulless truncated version of “Light My Fire”

The first time I heard this played on the oldies station in town, I had to pull over to the shoulder of the highway to calm my nerves. I absolutely adore the guitar and keyboard solos in the middle of the song, but in this three-minute radio edit they’re nowhere to be found. I’ve never felt so cheated.

I know Jim Morrison wouldn’t stand for whipping out something this short.

Bluetooth headsets

I found this picture by doing a Google image search for “bluetooth douchebag,” so I guess I’m not really breaking any new ground here by condemning the cell phone accessory. But it’s one of the worst inventions ever. It’s given people with inconsequential jobs another way to look and feel important.

I once saw someone with a Bluetooth in each ear. Free from the constraints of having to handle a cell phone, he carried on a two fake conversion while holding up a picture of himself in one hand and masturbating with the other.

Sitcoms that use pregnancies to advance the story

Remember when Scrubs was a great show? It was before everyone working at Sacred Heart started getting knocked up left and right. Making characters turn preggers is such a lazy device. If you’ve run out of ideas, it gives you a cliched storyline to follow throughout an entire season and a finale that stupid people will find sexy and suspenseful.

30 Rock came so close to humping the shark last week. Luckily, I won’t have to abort the second-best show on TV.

Ducks

Don’t be fooled. Ducks look awesome and unassuming, but they are concentrated evil. They take forever to cross the road. They peck at you if you try to touch or feed them. They afforded Gilbert Gottfried an opportunity to extend his excruciating career.

Why do you think playing Duck Hunt is so much fun? Those pixilated fuckers are getting what they deserve.

The Real World: Liberty City

I’ve probably spent four or five hours playing Grand Theft Auto IV since my roommate purchased it yesterday. Even more so than its predecessors, GTA IV is a stunning looking game that’s pretty enthralling. I can’t even begin to imagine how much work went into the game – the attention to detail is astounding and the depth of gameplay immense. In every way, it lives up to the hype. If you are a human being with vices of any sort, you’ll get some perverse pleasure out of playing. Guaranteed.

So does that mean running through GTA IV is the most fun I’ve ever had while sitting in front of a TV set with a controller in my hands? Absolutely not. Although I appreciate all the additions to the latest generation of Grand Theft Auto, the game now teeters on being too real for my tastes.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I get the chance to blow up helicopters with rocket launchers very often. But the game is realistic enough that it includes several more common scenarios, like playing pool with a friend or stopping by the store to buy new pants (sadly, not wearing any pants is not an option).

Within hours of popping the disc in, the following situation unfolded. My roommate took a turn, completed a mission that resulted in him getting a girl’s phone number, and then handed me the reigns. I proceeded to use my virtual cellphone to call the virtual chick to ask her out on a virtual date. She turned me down, so I decided to beat up some pedestrians and ended up getting shot in the face while trying to steal a cop car.

So, it was my roommates turn again. He gave the sim lady another ring. This time, she accepted his offer, and he took her to a bar. After a time lapse sequence, he drove drunk to get her back home, where the two engaged in noisy intercourse. Pretty different for a video game, right? But I can’t make this stuff up.

Wait a second, I can totally make this stuff up – it’s called college, and I spent four years living this lifestyle. The whole virtual exchange felt so real that it just struck me the wrong way. There should be a greater element of disbelief in play. Getting rejected in real life isn’t any fun. But getting rejected in a video game is far worse, because you can’t help but think about how you could have used the same energy to fuck up a similar real-life situation, where at least there was a chance that something meaningful could have come of it.

Nothing comes easy in GTA IV. Driving is more true-to-life, which means it can be a real bitch. Also, it’s much more challenging to steal cars or commit acts of random violence because there are cops everywhere. I’ve already encountered situations where I needed to stop at a red light to avoid getting the attention of the police. Sure, it’s uber realistic. But it kinda blows.

It’s not like I’m going to boycott GTA IV or anything, but I think the designers went a bit overboard with the realism. I’ll let the Tracy Morgan and Judah Friedlander of 30 Rock explain.

What’s so great about this clip is that the Uncanny Valley is a real concept. And so incredibly relevant to the point I’m trying to make about GTA IV. Here’s a diagram in case you couldn’t make it out from the video.

First of all, it’s hilarious that “prosthetic hand” is on there (I think that anyone who watches Arrested Development would agree with me). But I digress. If GTA IV was plotted on the graph, it would be in the same area as Tom Hanks from The Polar Express. The next-gen graphics really push the game over the threshold. Honestly, it looks and feels (and is) more real than an episode of The Real World XX.

Because of this, playing the game can be a pretty unnerving experience. I never thought I’d long to go back to the day when realistic video games were the ones you played while wearing gaudy visors. But at least virtual reality was pure fantasy and folly. With GTA IV, you’re essentially using a video game to escape to the same world that already exists all around you.

You’re right. Who am I kidding? I’m just bitter about the virtual rejection. Maybe I’m not as good with my joystick as I thought.