My thoughts, exactly

You know, I would consider working for a “alternative-weekly” publication like NUVO (sorry, this is Indy-centric, you all probably have an equivalent paper – hint: if it includes a slang term for your hometown or the word “X-Press,” that’s most certainly the one). But I have certain reservations.

When I am in a restaurant, and there is nothing else to read, I will pick up a NUVO. Because I am a loser who occasionally eats by himself, I will thumb through the entire paper so that I can avoid making eye contact with other people at the eatery, who I assume are staring at my loneliness.

The same thing happens every time. Eventually, I’ll flip the page and the classified ads for hookers will be staring me right in the face. At which point, I will make a ridiculous-looking motion to turn the page as quickly as possible. I mean, what if someone happened to walk by then? They would hypothesize that I was a degenerate taking a break from my lunch to arrange an escort for later that evening.

Reading NUVO is an unnerving experience. But I guess writing for it might not be as bad. Especially if advertisers offer some sort of discount to NUVO employees. This would allow me to spend more quality time with Destiney and Trixi.

“Settle down, prostitutes.”