This one goes out to: the Grammy nomination panel

Really? Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” for Song of the Year? Five musicians who I’ve never heard a single song from for Best New Artist? Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance? Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long” for Best Male Pop Vocal Performance? The Eagles of Wal-Mart for anything? The list goes on and on…

While there are some respectable names on the list (M.I.A., Radiohead, Daft Punk, Hot Chip, Kings of Leon, Beck, My Morning Jacket), it’s obvious that someone needs to reboot the whole damn institution. Maybe I’m being too harsh though. At least it appears (as of today) that they’ve actually selected artists who sing their own songs.

What planet do these tone deaf blowhards come from where Jethro Tull is considered metal? This one goes out to you, Grammy nomination panel…courtesy of a fellow extra-terrestrial, Dr. Octagon…

This one goes out to: Notre Dame football

Bravo to everyone involved. Charlie Weis is coming back for another season – good news for people who love bad news. Have fun watching Pudgy McCockmunch waddle along the sidelines with his stupid Drew Carey haircut for another 12 games next year.

It would be one thing to be patient with the guy if he wasn’t a total a-hole. When people are writing stories like this about your coach, it’s time to let bygones be bye, gones. Another year of Weis is only going to further soil Notre Dame’s once sterling reputation as a college football power.

Dynasty be damned. This one goes out to you, Notre Dame football…courtesy of Modest Mouse…

Whoppers are great, but…

Have you seen these new Whopper Virgins commercials? I normally love BK ads. They feature an unusual amount of self-awareness and a warped sense of humor. They named one of their breakfast sandwiches the Meatnormous. Do I need to explain myself further?

Here’s the thing though. They’re pimping this serious (at least as far as I can tell) documentary about bringing burgers to villages where the natives don’t even have a word for the food. Here’s the web page, which must have borrowed its name from a fat fetish site.  

While I applaud them thinking outside the lines of the traditional taste test, how can they contend that this is an unbiased poll of which burger is better? These people have probably eaten tree bark and insects their whole lives. I doubt their palettes are very developed. Also, they’re probably starving. So they’re naturally going to prefer the larger of the two burgers. It’s like running the test with dogs. They don’t care what tastes better; they’re just happy to have some human food. 

It seems that Burger King has set up a poll that the Whopper can’t lose. Clever marketing ploy, no doubt. But don’t get a Whopper because Sagat and his friends from Thailand dig it. Buy one because it’s way better than a Big Mac. Take it from me, a real connoisseur.

Just don’t ask for my opinion on bamboo.